Perspective

Perspective is an interesting phenomena - the outlook, or rather the interpretation of the outlook, can alter the dynamics of an event or situation. I was speaking with a friend recently, and he summarized some events in my life in an unique way, which really got me thinking about the idea of perspective. Not just surrounding that instance, but also in other varying aspects of my life.

I did not have an exceptionally good childhood, Being the last child of eight, and part of the ‘second family’ spread by nearly 15 years. I was generally left on my own, to look after myself, and learn in my own way. There was little in the way of support or encouragement for ideas or passions within me, and much of what formed the basis of my being was curtailed or ridiculed to the point that the passions were left to the world of dreams and longing. Being shy, reserved, and slightly built I was the subject of bullying - at home and away - for most of my life. I was a target for a great many people who could use and abuse me, and never give anything back.

I have often viewed my life, career(s) and current passions with a negative connotation; with dissatisfaction and negativity. I have done a lot of things in my life, starting when I was in my early teens. Moving from job to job, from school to school, from project to project, adventure to adventure, had always appeared to me to be running away from something familiar and unsatisfying. There was always something missing in the foundation of the task.

A quote from Sister Magdalan - Avice of Thornbury - on Brother Cadfael - The Rose Rent stuck in my head recently, which pretty much sums up the change to my perspective.
You are seeking the cloister to evade the world, you are, running away from your past; Brother Cadfael and myself are running towards something.

A simple statement, but rather profound in its overall perspective and the change I have seen in myself in the past three or so years.

My personal perspective changed dramatically when I was diagnosed with a brain tumour, and was given about six months to live. At that point, the things, material and otherwise, that made up the bulk of my life had little intrinsic value. I began to re-evaluate what was sentiment, and what was meaningful in my surroundings and in my life. The house, its contents and what I ensconced myself with, and indeed the personal relationships (friends) I had, began to resolve into flat, lifeless items. At the time, my Father’s Alzheimer’s had got to the point of non-recognition, and ultimate installation in a care home, and my Mother’s emphasema and medication put her in the hospital regularly, suffice it to say it was not a good time.

What emerged, however, was a ray of sunshine, within a bleak and dreary world. A small part of that was the fact that a specialist Doctor could provide surgery that may remove the tumour. In evaluating the bulk of the things that made up my world, very little had true meaning to who and what I was. I began to examine the feelings and passions prompted by goods, rather than function and material value. I assessed the value of living in a repressed negative town, and determined a change was in order. The path of this journey was not without significant rifts and potholes, and many left welts and scars, in addition to financial degradation. Friends became acquaintances, for the most part, as determination solidified; and derision followed me on my path. Avarice followed me in the disposal of the various effluvia and detritus of a quarter century of materialistic squandering.

All of that was left behind when I went to England, armed with a laptop, a small suitcase and an aged iPod. Ostensibly to live/work/volunteer around England for 3-6 months, I gleaned amazing insights into where I was and who I wanted to become. I spent time with some amazing people in the Shetland Islands who accepted me as presented, with no pre-conceived notions of my life. It was a fresh perspective. My second instalment, in York, brought back the feelings of oppression and inadequacy and I thus deigned to leave - quickly… I spent the next two months wandering around England - leaving a trail of non-essentials in my wake, and arriving in London with nothing but a small backpack, a tablet, a new iPod (mine broke!) and a wealth of new respect - both for myself and for the people I met. A sister met me and we did Touristy Paris - a lovely city, that I would like to see again - ALONE (or with a special someone perhaps) without the touristy part.

My perspective has definitely improved, and I no longer wish to live and work in an environment where negativity and oppression are the norms. I enjoy talking to people, about mundane things or vibrant specialty projects. I thoroughly enjoy my music in spite of the loss of hearing I have endured. I practice writing (as you can tell I’m not proficient - really) and explore the creativity that has been constrained for many years. My home is a small apartment, untidy and littered with the detritus of my imagination, the creative process taking precedence over finished products. Eclectic art (mine and others) stud the walls, and include furnishings, notebooks filled with passages of stories or poetry, drawing pads stuffed with sketches and designs, and textiles in various stages of experimentation. Headphones, and iTunes ever present, with the television a blot on the wall for occasional mindless drivel (non-commercial television, and movies mostly). And my iPad is filled to the peak of its capacity with pdf and ebooks consumed voraciously in a vast array of subjects.

** A cluttered home a sign of a creative mind **

Am I happy with my new perspective? Mostly, yeah. I still get lonely at times despite - or in response to - the anonymity of living in Vancouver. Western society is very ‘pair’ based, and I still find it difficult to attend events single. I get frustrated at my lack of personal assertiveness, but I realize that is years of conditioning, and am working on it.

Health? It is what it is - nothing I can do about it except enjoy the bonus years I have.

Have a positive, interactive and uplifting day -

I plan to!

Wayne